If Jealousy were a sport, I'd take the Gold

I hate being jealous so much. It hurts like crazy. I always feel my heart getting tight, and I can't seem to breath because my chest is so tight, and i feel nauseous, and uggghhh. I just hate it. I can't help it, though. He (Ahem) just makes me that way....I don't know why, but whenever i see that some girl posted something on his wall, or he became friends with some pretty girl, i get so damn jealous. It hurts a lot. And then i just spend the rest of the day grumpy, and worried, and aksjghdakdjsnfgbkandfkbnadkfnb. <--pretty much like that. I wish there was no such thing as jealousy. It's a pointless emotion, really. Along with fear. I mean, what does it really get us, anyway? I'll tell you what. It gets us further away from what we want, and where we want to be. Which is why they are both just plain crappy emotions to have. Grr...

always,
Allison

PS. what i wanted to say:
like:just about everything about you, dislike=that you're not mine (yet...hopefully...)

Scared to seclusion

I've been thinking lately (which is never a good thing for me), and I've realized that I'm scared of a lot. And I mean, a Ridiculous amount.
I'll give some examples:
I'm scared of falling (in every way that you can come up with).
I'm scared that people will forget about me.
I'm scared to be myself (around Most people, but not all), because i think they won't like me.
I'm scared to speak my mind, because I think that people will not love me anymore/hate me.
I'm scared that if I tell Ahem (c) how I feel, he won't feel the same.
I'm scared of loosing people.
I'm scared of that fact that I love to be alone.
I'm scared that I'll wind up divorced.
I'm scared that if i wait too long to tell Ahem (c) how I feel, that someone else will "take him away" from me.
I'm scared that if I'm not perfect for everyone, things will fall apart.
I'm scared of people fighting/yelling/being mad at me, and in general.


I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of anything right now.........

always,
Allison

Bored alone equals random blurb

Sooo I'm super bored right now....I'm home by myself cause Mary Kay (la mia step mom) is really sick, so my dad took her to the emergency hospital thingie. Yeah.
I don't really know what i want to write about right now...I'm just really, really boredddd.
I don't know what to write about.
There really isn't much going on right now with me. But what do I expect, really, it is SUMMER, you know? And Saturday. If I was one of those "social" people, I'd be hanging around the mall, and chatting, and swimming, and being "free" or whatever it is that quote, unquote normal teenagers, do.


I really want to have some sudden burst of inspirtation to ramble about, but its really not coming to me.
Great.
So, if you just read this, and thought "WTF was that?" well, you are not alone. I am also wondering the same question

always,
Allison

PS. "How is it that I want to be around you, and no where near you all at the same time??" <--the saying that i came up with after I went with Sarah's family to see the Eclipse movie . Obviously, it is about C. That should've been a given ;)

oh great I'm smitten

Soooooo i saw the movie with sarah's family today...and yeah. I couldn't even sleep last night becasue i was so nervous, and i was even worse this moring. jkahglkjhgalkdfhvkjah
Anyways, so my heart was beating like freaking crazy, and i had this nervous giggle feeling, and the constant need to smile the whole damn time. And i kept blurting out random things cause i was nervous.

But the movie was good...very intense, very epic. It was nice.

Always,
Allison

PS i wish i knew what he was thinking...

Distracted

Wow, so i almost don't even know what to write....
i guess i'll start with tomorrow im going to see Eclipse--the third in the Twilight series--with Sarah and her family. And i know you know what that means. Yeahhhh. So, i've just been really distracted ever since, cause im so damn nervous, cause the last time we went to the movies with "them"--i went with sarah's fam to see New moon, the second in the series--i was so nervous, and awkward, and i didn't know what to do...
god its going to be so freaking tough!
alkgja;efhbvlakcnb;ladhkrglknardflbnadlkbnjkl <- that is how i feel right now... just like my heart can't freaking settle!!! grrrrrr

hopefully, i'll remember to write aferwards...

always,
allison