Stress and Regress

I feel like sometimes I'm pushing people away. I don't mean to, I just....I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and I hate it, and I just can't handle dealing with personalities and people. It gets too much. I need it to all just....stop. always, Allison

Short blurb

Just remember:

Driving is a privilage, not a right. It is a great responsibility; one that should be taken smartly, and with caution. Let's try to prevent the next unneccessary, careless accident.
Pay attention.
Because some mistakes, you just can't reverse.

always,
allison

PS My thoughts are with the Jackson family...and ecspeically the kids who all lost a father in a car accident a few days ago <3

my Soul through Song Lyrics...typical.

I figured out exactly what song Shiloh should listen to. It's called "Stop Standing there" by Avril lavigne. It's amazingly accurate. I'll post the lyrics on here:

All this talking to you
I don't know what I'm to do
I don't know where you stand
What's inside of your head
All this thinking of you
Is that what your doing to
You're always on my mind
I talk about you all the time

Chorus: Don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

You're just standing by
You're just wasting time
Why don't you just tell me the truth
about me and you
And as the time goes by
I hope you realize
If you ask me to
I just might be with you

So don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart
Help me understand P
lease tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

Bridge: Stop Standing there, standing there
And stop acting like you don't care
And stop being scared, being scared
Stop acting like you don't care..

So, don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am
So, don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
Open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am
Who I am, who I am, who I am..

This seriously doesn't get more freaking accurate. 'nough said.]

always,
Allison

I was going to pick my favorite quote, but i couldn't decide between them:

"I don't know where you stand...what's inside of your head?"
"You're always on my mind, i talk about you all of the time."
"I hope you realize if you asked me to i just might be with you."
"So open up your heart, help me understand, just tell me who you are, so i can show you who i am." <3

New Year, New Problems, New Things to Avoid

I guess it's safe to say that I'm not too into the whole "recording everything and anything that happens" thing. It's just...I don't know. It's hard to find a need for it any more. Before, I felt like I needed to get the words out of me, so that maybe, I wouldn't be holding on to them so much any more. But I don't really feel the need to write them done any more, becasue I really don't have much to tell. I guess, boys wise. Cause, really, I'm kind of giving up. I mean, I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I have found it yet. But then again I don't want to be too picky cause no guy is going to live up to my high, unreasonable standards or whatever. I guess all I really want is:
-someone generally happy--and not a fake happy, either. Like a genuine love of life, and just having that easygoing nature about them. But they don't have to be happy ALL the time. We're just human, after
-someone who will talk, and keep a good, actual conversation going, but knows how to LISTEN as well. Also, they don't feel the need to fill every silence. They can't talk TOO much, either.
-someone more adventourous then me, but is a home-body at heart so that they will show me and introduce me to things i wouldn't have done perviously, but likes to be home at the end of the day, relaxing.
-someone who doesn't MIND being alone, but like me, likes to be around people too
-someone not too emotional, or romantic or lovey. It just makes me naceous

I think that that's pretty much it. At least, all I can think of at the moment. But I really hope that the things that I want in someone aren't, you know, unreasonable, or too high of standards, cause I really don't think they are. The most important to me, currently, is the first--about him being easy going, kind of just genereally happy. I want someone who will LIFT my mood, make me feel like laughing. Someone who will play around and joke with me. I guess I want a combo guy bestfriend/flirt buddy :P


Right now, I don't really LIKE anyone, but I do have some potentials. This just means, like, they've "caught my eye" and I want to get to know them better:
-Shiloh (explained previously)
-Chris (ditto)
-Romell (goes to my karate, super sweet, and fun-loving...he's only like, fifteen, though...and a freshman, which makes him OUT until we're out of college haha)
-Gabe (he's in my art class, kind of quiet, but funny and awesome. But he's a sophomore...probably fifteen or so)

yeah those are "The Potentials" at the moment. But they are all sort of "undesirable" in some way whether their age, or just the situation by which I know them (ahem, Shiloh)

He confuses me, Shiloh. I really don't understand it at all. Him, why I like, just everything. I mean, yesterday I saw him, and he tied my red-black belt for me at the ceremony, and i just...ughhh I don't know.
I dont' get it, and the more I think about it, the more it drives me insane.

I guess that's it for now...

always,
Allison

"Maybe I ignore you,
Maybe I avoid you,
Maybe I can't speak when you're around,
cause Maybe I adore you,
And maybe I want you,
And maybe I'm afraid of what I'll do,
Cause I can't control myself around you...
maybe just maybe
maybe yes maybe..."

<3 can you guess who I wrote this about??

Feeling Rejected

He still hasn't accepted my friend request, though it looks like he has been on, cause facebook put that he accepted three others, though i don't know if it was Facebook, or him...? I hope to god its just that he hasn't gotten on yet. This is dragging me down, and i don't know how long to wait, cause he may never. But i don't see why he shouldn't, you know? i don't really feel good inside...this is kind of killing me. I even wrote a song about it...probably one of my most "romantic" songs, i think. it's the second song I've written about him. The chorus goes:

Now I'm lost in your light,
I can't get enough.
When you are around,
I'm lost in your sound.
But I was blind,
I was out of touch,
I didn't know that
I cared this much.

It's called "Lost in You". Yeahhhh :S anyways. Again, I'm sort of leaving this hanging without answers, which i despise too. :\

always,
Allison

Terrified of You

Sooo, i finally did it. I finally sent a friend request to Shiloh on facebook. I know that that seems like such a small, insignificant thing to do, but it really was hard for me. I mean, i stared at that "send request" button for ten minutes before clicking it, feeling my heart race inside me and my stomach churn anxiously. Who knew something that i was describing as a "minor crush" could have such a big impact on me?
I don't know why, but i just...feel something when i think about him, or see him. I'm not quite sure why yet, but all i know is that i always want to talk about him, i look for him everywhere, i look for him all the time, i get nervous when he's around, i stumble when talking about him, and i care what he thinks about me. It's so strange cause i know this time i'm not immidiatly like "in love" with him. It's like my interest is piqued or something.
It's strange becasue usually when i start liking someone--or i realize i like someone--i fall for them super fast--or i think i do--and then i fall out of it pretty fast, but i don't want to, so i spend forever trying to convince myself that i am, when i'm not, and just waste my time thinking i am and ignoring all the bad signs, and making a big deal out of all the small, minor good ones.
but for some reason, this time, with Shiloh, I just...want to get to know him...you know? i want to know who he is, what he's like, what he does, etc. I want to see if we're a good match. I'm not basing this off of any story-book sounding fairytale like i did with Derek and Curtis. i'm not basing my whole crush off of one incident, you know? It's so weird....

it's weird how, when you like someone, and are in the moment, you are blind to everything, and then when you finally break free from it, you see all the mistakes, and everything you missed. I wonder why you have to figure everything out so late.

But this time, with Shiloh, i'm not liking him for the wrong reasons. It's not because of one incident, or because of expectations, or trying to make others happy. it's just cause some part of me is...intrigued.
We'll see how this all goes...

Always,
Allison

mangled and tangled

Well, I think I know what I feel for Derek and Curtis. I'm pretty sure I've got them figured out on the feeling part.
For Derek, it's like I said, I don't really like him like that, though I want to becasue I know he's changed and everything...I realize I want what we have but with someone else. Basically, I want to be able to talk like we do, and be that comfortable, I just want to be able to FEEL something other than friendship, distrust, and annoyance, which is what I feel for Derek. It's like, I'm friends with him, but I keep him closer cause I don't trust him in any other way, cause he's hurt me so much in the past...you know? But I don't want to tell him that cause I know he'll just feel bad, and appologize again, but sorry doesn't heal everything. Sometimes its just the bandaid. But in the end, the cut has to heal on its own.
For Curtis, I'm pretty sure I did actually like him, maybe i even was in love with him at one point, but there was a point also where he just became this blanket, like a safety net for me to fall back into because I'm afriad of trusting other people with my heart because i don't want to get hurt. And I also know the reason that I cringe inside when I hear Taylor's name, and hear about all the things they are doing as a couple. It's because i feel somewhat replaced. I dont' know how to describe this, but...i've always loved Sarah's family, and i think I felt like if I kept curtis, derek, etc. liking me, i would keep my place in that family somehow? i don't know. It's really hard to explain. I just feel like i want to stay a part of that family cause i love them all so much, and i don't want to loose anyone.
I've always had that fear of people leaving casue they have something better, or like something/someone else better. It's been a constant re-accurance in my life, i feel like, and its scarred me up pretty badly. and i think its hindering me a lot. Like, for example, my dad leaving cause of work, then he left the whole family to get a new one. And mom told us that dad chose "work over his own kids", and i think that that is the stem of it all. My mom told me that when i was, like seven or eight. that can scar a kid, and i think it did pretty bad. I know now that that is NOT true, that dad fought for us in the divorce and everything, but the words still left thier mark. And even now, when i'm at my dad's house, i feel so lonely, and unimportant. I'm not even number one in my own house, you know? The damned dog comes before me. and then the whole leaving thing hit me again when Derek broke up with me, cause i felt like he found something better down in LA, and constantly felt like i was never good enough for him.
And then there are all the times in between with all my "friends". Every single friend i've had--except for Sarah, becasue she is the greatest best friend/sister EVER--has ditched me at some point, to go "play" with someone else. it'd be completely random, too. one minute we'd be best friends, the next day a new kid would come, and they'd ditch me for them. And then when the "popular" group got ahold of them, they'd come crawling back to me like i was their second choice.
And that's whammy right there. i realize now that I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I'm tired of being ALMOST good enough, but not quite. I want someone to feel like its ONLY me, you know? Like they couldn't possibly pick someone else, that'd i'd always be their number one. That is what i want. That is what i'm still searching for. And that, right there, is why i tend to like the guys that like me. Cause i feel like, if i go after the guys that I don't know if they like me, i'll have less chance they actually will. So, whenever i hear about someone liking me back, i latch on so hard, i get obsessive and clingy, cause i want them to be my number one as well.
So all i need to do is figure out what I'M feeling, as opposed to what I'm trying to MAKE myself feel for someone.
Seriously more complicated than it sounds for me..
And then there's the whole "I love you" issue that i have. And that is just a branch from my main problem, described above--people leaving for something "better", and not being "number one" and stuff. It's like, if i say "i love you", then i will be giving pieces of my heart away, and i'm afraid to trust anyone with it. It's not very easy for me, and even when i do say it, i cringe inside, and feel very nauseous like i'm going to throw up. It's strange. It's like my body physically reacts to the words like I'm allergic to them.

Wow. So, this has all been so helpful, to actually form all of this into words. I've just written a lot, but it feels good to get it all out there, and on the table, you know? Instead of locked and sealed up tight inside me.

So right now, I'm pretty sure i have a couple small crushes that i know will never work out.
the first is this guy named Shiloh. it's not going to work out, because even though i know i have a pretty big crush on him, i don't think i see us together. we're just two separate people, with separate moralities and personalities, but there IS something that i do like, and i think that that is his passionate side, which is similar to mine. i see it sometimes--rarely, though--in things he loves to do--like art--and i think that that is what i like about him. he just has that...something, you know?
the second is my gymnastics coach, Chris. He's nineteen, though, and already dating someone. But what i like about him is his dry, sarcastic sense of humor that blends so well with my OWN sense of humor. It's like we get each other--which i like.
The funny thing is, is that these guys are BOTH Asian. Hilarious, right? Looks like the saying is true: Mother really DOES know best (my mom is always saying that i will marry Asian. I always asked her why, and she just says, "i don't know, i just have a feeling.")

that is some massive information overload if you were to just read this randomly... :P

always,
Allison