Well, I think I know what I feel for Derek and Curtis. I'm pretty sure I've got them figured out on the feeling part.
For Derek, it's like I said, I don't really like him like that, though I want to becasue I know he's changed and everything...I realize I want what we have but with someone else. Basically, I want to be able to talk like we do, and be that comfortable, I just want to be able to FEEL something other than friendship, distrust, and annoyance, which is what I feel for Derek. It's like, I'm friends with him, but I keep him closer cause I don't trust him in any other way, cause he's hurt me so much in the past...you know? But I don't want to tell him that cause I know he'll just feel bad, and appologize again, but sorry doesn't heal everything. Sometimes its just the bandaid. But in the end, the cut has to heal on its own.
For Curtis, I'm pretty sure I did actually like him, maybe i even was in love with him at one point, but there was a point also where he just became this blanket, like a safety net for me to fall back into because I'm afriad of trusting other people with my heart because i don't want to get hurt. And I also know the reason that I cringe inside when I hear Taylor's name, and hear about all the things they are doing as a couple. It's because i feel somewhat replaced. I dont' know how to describe this, but...i've always loved Sarah's family, and i think I felt like if I kept curtis, derek, etc. liking me, i would keep my place in that family somehow? i don't know. It's really hard to explain. I just feel like i want to stay a part of that family cause i love them all so much, and i don't want to loose anyone.
I've always had that fear of people leaving casue they have something better, or like something/someone else better. It's been a constant re-accurance in my life, i feel like, and its scarred me up pretty badly. and i think its hindering me a lot. Like, for example, my dad leaving cause of work, then he left the whole family to get a new one. And mom told us that dad chose "work over his own kids", and i think that that is the stem of it all. My mom told me that when i was, like seven or eight. that can scar a kid, and i think it did pretty bad. I know now that that is NOT true, that dad fought for us in the divorce and everything, but the words still left thier mark. And even now, when i'm at my dad's house, i feel so lonely, and unimportant. I'm not even number one in my own house, you know? The damned dog comes before me. and then the whole leaving thing hit me again when Derek broke up with me, cause i felt like he found something better down in LA, and constantly felt like i was never good enough for him.
And then there are all the times in between with all my "friends". Every single friend i've had--except for Sarah, becasue she is the greatest best friend/sister EVER--has ditched me at some point, to go "play" with someone else. it'd be completely random, too. one minute we'd be best friends, the next day a new kid would come, and they'd ditch me for them. And then when the "popular" group got ahold of them, they'd come crawling back to me like i was their second choice.
And that's whammy right there. i realize now that I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I'm tired of being ALMOST good enough, but not quite. I want someone to feel like its ONLY me, you know? Like they couldn't possibly pick someone else, that'd i'd always be their number one. That is what i want. That is what i'm still searching for. And that, right there, is why i tend to like the guys that like me. Cause i feel like, if i go after the guys that I don't know if they like me, i'll have less chance they actually will. So, whenever i hear about someone liking me back, i latch on so hard, i get obsessive and clingy, cause i want them to be my number one as well.
So all i need to do is figure out what I'M feeling, as opposed to what I'm trying to MAKE myself feel for someone.
Seriously more complicated than it sounds for me..
And then there's the whole "I love you" issue that i have. And that is just a branch from my main problem, described above--people leaving for something "better", and not being "number one" and stuff. It's like, if i say "i love you", then i will be giving pieces of my heart away, and i'm afraid to trust anyone with it. It's not very easy for me, and even when i do say it, i cringe inside, and feel very nauseous like i'm going to throw up. It's strange. It's like my body physically reacts to the words like I'm allergic to them.
Wow. So, this has all been so helpful, to actually form all of this into words. I've just written a lot, but it feels good to get it all out there, and on the table, you know? Instead of locked and sealed up tight inside me.
So right now, I'm pretty sure i have a couple small crushes that i know will never work out.
the first is this guy named Shiloh. it's not going to work out, because even though i know i have a pretty big crush on him, i don't think i see us together. we're just two separate people, with separate moralities and personalities, but there IS something that i do like, and i think that that is his passionate side, which is similar to mine. i see it sometimes--rarely, though--in things he loves to do--like art--and i think that that is what i like about him. he just has that...something, you know?
the second is my gymnastics coach, Chris. He's nineteen, though, and already dating someone. But what i like about him is his dry, sarcastic sense of humor that blends so well with my OWN sense of humor. It's like we get each other--which i like.
The funny thing is, is that these guys are BOTH Asian. Hilarious, right? Looks like the saying is true: Mother really DOES know best (my mom is always saying that i will marry Asian. I always asked her why, and she just says, "i don't know, i just have a feeling.")
that is some massive information overload if you were to just read this randomly... :P
always,
Allison
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