Still not sure what i'm doin at the moment with the Curtis issue, and the Derek issue.
However--i don't know why--i have this future fantasy that when i'm in college, i'll meet this great guy, who is funny, and sweet, and yeahhh...i feel embarrassed just writing it cause i have this whole thing in my head. Ieeven have a name. It's sort of sad, but its keeping me going, and my faith in guys for some reason, cause i believe he's out there. I even know what he'll look like. It's sort of a mix of a couple guys i know, and yeah.......
Anyways. I don't know why i felt like writing that down.
It's so amazing to me that one day you could be completely in LOVE with someone, then the next...feel nothing at all. To be so smitten, and have so much hope and desire, then for it to just drop flat so fast..it makes me wonder if i'm just pushing my emotions down like i always used to around him. Maybe that's why i'm still bothered by the whole "not liking him anymore", thing? I don't know.
We'll see, I guess..
always,
Allison
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Muffled heart, left confused
Things are so different from the last time I've wrote.
For starters, Curtis has a girlfriend, and they seem pretty happy. the thing is, I don't know if it even hurts me, or I even care. Which is what confuses me. How can I be blind to liking him...then blind when i stop?
I'm so confused. I don't know what i feel anymore. I really dont'. i just want one guy that i feel like i can't control myself around, that makes me feel alive again. That I can't wait to see the next day, or can't STAND not talking to. I haven't felt that in so long, i realize. It's so weird for me. But I guess for right now, its best while I'm figuring out what I'm feeling for everyone, and if i really do still like Curtis or not.
And then theres the whole Derek probelm. Apperently he likes me again? And yeah..i don't really know about that. He's being so sweet right now--basically being a better "boyfriend" right now (though we're just friends) then when he was ACTUALLY my boyfriend--and I want to like him again. But i just....don't. I dont' feel it like i used to.
Everything is so different now.
I wanna like someone so baddd. It's killing me that i don't have someone to focus on. it's my distraction from life, and somewhere to put all my "energy"...you know? It's like...what do i have left if i don't have a guy to obsses over? My school work, friends and family. I know. But its complicated....
Anyways. Just rambling. i know I'm being kind of (ok, a lot) dramatic. But i can't help it. I'm a girl :P
always,
Allison
For starters, Curtis has a girlfriend, and they seem pretty happy. the thing is, I don't know if it even hurts me, or I even care. Which is what confuses me. How can I be blind to liking him...then blind when i stop?
I'm so confused. I don't know what i feel anymore. I really dont'. i just want one guy that i feel like i can't control myself around, that makes me feel alive again. That I can't wait to see the next day, or can't STAND not talking to. I haven't felt that in so long, i realize. It's so weird for me. But I guess for right now, its best while I'm figuring out what I'm feeling for everyone, and if i really do still like Curtis or not.
And then theres the whole Derek probelm. Apperently he likes me again? And yeah..i don't really know about that. He's being so sweet right now--basically being a better "boyfriend" right now (though we're just friends) then when he was ACTUALLY my boyfriend--and I want to like him again. But i just....don't. I dont' feel it like i used to.
Everything is so different now.
I wanna like someone so baddd. It's killing me that i don't have someone to focus on. it's my distraction from life, and somewhere to put all my "energy"...you know? It's like...what do i have left if i don't have a guy to obsses over? My school work, friends and family. I know. But its complicated....
Anyways. Just rambling. i know I'm being kind of (ok, a lot) dramatic. But i can't help it. I'm a girl :P
always,
Allison
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