He still hasn't accepted my friend request, though it looks like he has been on, cause facebook put that he accepted three others, though i don't know if it was Facebook, or him...? I hope to god its just that he hasn't gotten on yet. This is dragging me down, and i don't know how long to wait, cause he may never. But i don't see why he shouldn't, you know? i don't really feel good inside...this is kind of killing me. I even wrote a song about it...probably one of my most "romantic" songs, i think. it's the second song I've written about him. The chorus goes:
Now I'm lost in your light,
I can't get enough.
When you are around,
I'm lost in your sound.
But I was blind,
I was out of touch,
I didn't know that
I cared this much.
It's called "Lost in You". Yeahhhh :S anyways. Again, I'm sort of leaving this hanging without answers, which i despise too. :\
always,
Allison
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Terrified of You
Sooo, i finally did it. I finally sent a friend request to Shiloh on facebook. I know that that seems like such a small, insignificant thing to do, but it really was hard for me. I mean, i stared at that "send request" button for ten minutes before clicking it, feeling my heart race inside me and my stomach churn anxiously. Who knew something that i was describing as a "minor crush" could have such a big impact on me?
I don't know why, but i just...feel something when i think about him, or see him. I'm not quite sure why yet, but all i know is that i always want to talk about him, i look for him everywhere, i look for him all the time, i get nervous when he's around, i stumble when talking about him, and i care what he thinks about me. It's so strange cause i know this time i'm not immidiatly like "in love" with him. It's like my interest is piqued or something.
It's strange becasue usually when i start liking someone--or i realize i like someone--i fall for them super fast--or i think i do--and then i fall out of it pretty fast, but i don't want to, so i spend forever trying to convince myself that i am, when i'm not, and just waste my time thinking i am and ignoring all the bad signs, and making a big deal out of all the small, minor good ones.
but for some reason, this time, with Shiloh, I just...want to get to know him...you know? i want to know who he is, what he's like, what he does, etc. I want to see if we're a good match. I'm not basing this off of any story-book sounding fairytale like i did with Derek and Curtis. i'm not basing my whole crush off of one incident, you know? It's so weird....
it's weird how, when you like someone, and are in the moment, you are blind to everything, and then when you finally break free from it, you see all the mistakes, and everything you missed. I wonder why you have to figure everything out so late.
But this time, with Shiloh, i'm not liking him for the wrong reasons. It's not because of one incident, or because of expectations, or trying to make others happy. it's just cause some part of me is...intrigued.
We'll see how this all goes...
Always,
Allison
I don't know why, but i just...feel something when i think about him, or see him. I'm not quite sure why yet, but all i know is that i always want to talk about him, i look for him everywhere, i look for him all the time, i get nervous when he's around, i stumble when talking about him, and i care what he thinks about me. It's so strange cause i know this time i'm not immidiatly like "in love" with him. It's like my interest is piqued or something.
It's strange becasue usually when i start liking someone--or i realize i like someone--i fall for them super fast--or i think i do--and then i fall out of it pretty fast, but i don't want to, so i spend forever trying to convince myself that i am, when i'm not, and just waste my time thinking i am and ignoring all the bad signs, and making a big deal out of all the small, minor good ones.
but for some reason, this time, with Shiloh, I just...want to get to know him...you know? i want to know who he is, what he's like, what he does, etc. I want to see if we're a good match. I'm not basing this off of any story-book sounding fairytale like i did with Derek and Curtis. i'm not basing my whole crush off of one incident, you know? It's so weird....
it's weird how, when you like someone, and are in the moment, you are blind to everything, and then when you finally break free from it, you see all the mistakes, and everything you missed. I wonder why you have to figure everything out so late.
But this time, with Shiloh, i'm not liking him for the wrong reasons. It's not because of one incident, or because of expectations, or trying to make others happy. it's just cause some part of me is...intrigued.
We'll see how this all goes...
Always,
Allison
Thursday, October 21, 2010
mangled and tangled
Well, I think I know what I feel for Derek and Curtis. I'm pretty sure I've got them figured out on the feeling part.
For Derek, it's like I said, I don't really like him like that, though I want to becasue I know he's changed and everything...I realize I want what we have but with someone else. Basically, I want to be able to talk like we do, and be that comfortable, I just want to be able to FEEL something other than friendship, distrust, and annoyance, which is what I feel for Derek. It's like, I'm friends with him, but I keep him closer cause I don't trust him in any other way, cause he's hurt me so much in the past...you know? But I don't want to tell him that cause I know he'll just feel bad, and appologize again, but sorry doesn't heal everything. Sometimes its just the bandaid. But in the end, the cut has to heal on its own.
For Curtis, I'm pretty sure I did actually like him, maybe i even was in love with him at one point, but there was a point also where he just became this blanket, like a safety net for me to fall back into because I'm afriad of trusting other people with my heart because i don't want to get hurt. And I also know the reason that I cringe inside when I hear Taylor's name, and hear about all the things they are doing as a couple. It's because i feel somewhat replaced. I dont' know how to describe this, but...i've always loved Sarah's family, and i think I felt like if I kept curtis, derek, etc. liking me, i would keep my place in that family somehow? i don't know. It's really hard to explain. I just feel like i want to stay a part of that family cause i love them all so much, and i don't want to loose anyone.
I've always had that fear of people leaving casue they have something better, or like something/someone else better. It's been a constant re-accurance in my life, i feel like, and its scarred me up pretty badly. and i think its hindering me a lot. Like, for example, my dad leaving cause of work, then he left the whole family to get a new one. And mom told us that dad chose "work over his own kids", and i think that that is the stem of it all. My mom told me that when i was, like seven or eight. that can scar a kid, and i think it did pretty bad. I know now that that is NOT true, that dad fought for us in the divorce and everything, but the words still left thier mark. And even now, when i'm at my dad's house, i feel so lonely, and unimportant. I'm not even number one in my own house, you know? The damned dog comes before me. and then the whole leaving thing hit me again when Derek broke up with me, cause i felt like he found something better down in LA, and constantly felt like i was never good enough for him.
And then there are all the times in between with all my "friends". Every single friend i've had--except for Sarah, becasue she is the greatest best friend/sister EVER--has ditched me at some point, to go "play" with someone else. it'd be completely random, too. one minute we'd be best friends, the next day a new kid would come, and they'd ditch me for them. And then when the "popular" group got ahold of them, they'd come crawling back to me like i was their second choice.
And that's whammy right there. i realize now that I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I'm tired of being ALMOST good enough, but not quite. I want someone to feel like its ONLY me, you know? Like they couldn't possibly pick someone else, that'd i'd always be their number one. That is what i want. That is what i'm still searching for. And that, right there, is why i tend to like the guys that like me. Cause i feel like, if i go after the guys that I don't know if they like me, i'll have less chance they actually will. So, whenever i hear about someone liking me back, i latch on so hard, i get obsessive and clingy, cause i want them to be my number one as well.
So all i need to do is figure out what I'M feeling, as opposed to what I'm trying to MAKE myself feel for someone.
Seriously more complicated than it sounds for me..
And then there's the whole "I love you" issue that i have. And that is just a branch from my main problem, described above--people leaving for something "better", and not being "number one" and stuff. It's like, if i say "i love you", then i will be giving pieces of my heart away, and i'm afraid to trust anyone with it. It's not very easy for me, and even when i do say it, i cringe inside, and feel very nauseous like i'm going to throw up. It's strange. It's like my body physically reacts to the words like I'm allergic to them.
Wow. So, this has all been so helpful, to actually form all of this into words. I've just written a lot, but it feels good to get it all out there, and on the table, you know? Instead of locked and sealed up tight inside me.
So right now, I'm pretty sure i have a couple small crushes that i know will never work out.
the first is this guy named Shiloh. it's not going to work out, because even though i know i have a pretty big crush on him, i don't think i see us together. we're just two separate people, with separate moralities and personalities, but there IS something that i do like, and i think that that is his passionate side, which is similar to mine. i see it sometimes--rarely, though--in things he loves to do--like art--and i think that that is what i like about him. he just has that...something, you know?
the second is my gymnastics coach, Chris. He's nineteen, though, and already dating someone. But what i like about him is his dry, sarcastic sense of humor that blends so well with my OWN sense of humor. It's like we get each other--which i like.
The funny thing is, is that these guys are BOTH Asian. Hilarious, right? Looks like the saying is true: Mother really DOES know best (my mom is always saying that i will marry Asian. I always asked her why, and she just says, "i don't know, i just have a feeling.")
that is some massive information overload if you were to just read this randomly... :P
always,
Allison
For Derek, it's like I said, I don't really like him like that, though I want to becasue I know he's changed and everything...I realize I want what we have but with someone else. Basically, I want to be able to talk like we do, and be that comfortable, I just want to be able to FEEL something other than friendship, distrust, and annoyance, which is what I feel for Derek. It's like, I'm friends with him, but I keep him closer cause I don't trust him in any other way, cause he's hurt me so much in the past...you know? But I don't want to tell him that cause I know he'll just feel bad, and appologize again, but sorry doesn't heal everything. Sometimes its just the bandaid. But in the end, the cut has to heal on its own.
For Curtis, I'm pretty sure I did actually like him, maybe i even was in love with him at one point, but there was a point also where he just became this blanket, like a safety net for me to fall back into because I'm afriad of trusting other people with my heart because i don't want to get hurt. And I also know the reason that I cringe inside when I hear Taylor's name, and hear about all the things they are doing as a couple. It's because i feel somewhat replaced. I dont' know how to describe this, but...i've always loved Sarah's family, and i think I felt like if I kept curtis, derek, etc. liking me, i would keep my place in that family somehow? i don't know. It's really hard to explain. I just feel like i want to stay a part of that family cause i love them all so much, and i don't want to loose anyone.
I've always had that fear of people leaving casue they have something better, or like something/someone else better. It's been a constant re-accurance in my life, i feel like, and its scarred me up pretty badly. and i think its hindering me a lot. Like, for example, my dad leaving cause of work, then he left the whole family to get a new one. And mom told us that dad chose "work over his own kids", and i think that that is the stem of it all. My mom told me that when i was, like seven or eight. that can scar a kid, and i think it did pretty bad. I know now that that is NOT true, that dad fought for us in the divorce and everything, but the words still left thier mark. And even now, when i'm at my dad's house, i feel so lonely, and unimportant. I'm not even number one in my own house, you know? The damned dog comes before me. and then the whole leaving thing hit me again when Derek broke up with me, cause i felt like he found something better down in LA, and constantly felt like i was never good enough for him.
And then there are all the times in between with all my "friends". Every single friend i've had--except for Sarah, becasue she is the greatest best friend/sister EVER--has ditched me at some point, to go "play" with someone else. it'd be completely random, too. one minute we'd be best friends, the next day a new kid would come, and they'd ditch me for them. And then when the "popular" group got ahold of them, they'd come crawling back to me like i was their second choice.
And that's whammy right there. i realize now that I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I'm tired of being ALMOST good enough, but not quite. I want someone to feel like its ONLY me, you know? Like they couldn't possibly pick someone else, that'd i'd always be their number one. That is what i want. That is what i'm still searching for. And that, right there, is why i tend to like the guys that like me. Cause i feel like, if i go after the guys that I don't know if they like me, i'll have less chance they actually will. So, whenever i hear about someone liking me back, i latch on so hard, i get obsessive and clingy, cause i want them to be my number one as well.
So all i need to do is figure out what I'M feeling, as opposed to what I'm trying to MAKE myself feel for someone.
Seriously more complicated than it sounds for me..
And then there's the whole "I love you" issue that i have. And that is just a branch from my main problem, described above--people leaving for something "better", and not being "number one" and stuff. It's like, if i say "i love you", then i will be giving pieces of my heart away, and i'm afraid to trust anyone with it. It's not very easy for me, and even when i do say it, i cringe inside, and feel very nauseous like i'm going to throw up. It's strange. It's like my body physically reacts to the words like I'm allergic to them.
Wow. So, this has all been so helpful, to actually form all of this into words. I've just written a lot, but it feels good to get it all out there, and on the table, you know? Instead of locked and sealed up tight inside me.
So right now, I'm pretty sure i have a couple small crushes that i know will never work out.
the first is this guy named Shiloh. it's not going to work out, because even though i know i have a pretty big crush on him, i don't think i see us together. we're just two separate people, with separate moralities and personalities, but there IS something that i do like, and i think that that is his passionate side, which is similar to mine. i see it sometimes--rarely, though--in things he loves to do--like art--and i think that that is what i like about him. he just has that...something, you know?
the second is my gymnastics coach, Chris. He's nineteen, though, and already dating someone. But what i like about him is his dry, sarcastic sense of humor that blends so well with my OWN sense of humor. It's like we get each other--which i like.
The funny thing is, is that these guys are BOTH Asian. Hilarious, right? Looks like the saying is true: Mother really DOES know best (my mom is always saying that i will marry Asian. I always asked her why, and she just says, "i don't know, i just have a feeling.")
that is some massive information overload if you were to just read this randomly... :P
always,
Allison
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Future Fantasy
Still not sure what i'm doin at the moment with the Curtis issue, and the Derek issue.
However--i don't know why--i have this future fantasy that when i'm in college, i'll meet this great guy, who is funny, and sweet, and yeahhh...i feel embarrassed just writing it cause i have this whole thing in my head. Ieeven have a name. It's sort of sad, but its keeping me going, and my faith in guys for some reason, cause i believe he's out there. I even know what he'll look like. It's sort of a mix of a couple guys i know, and yeah.......
Anyways. I don't know why i felt like writing that down.
It's so amazing to me that one day you could be completely in LOVE with someone, then the next...feel nothing at all. To be so smitten, and have so much hope and desire, then for it to just drop flat so fast..it makes me wonder if i'm just pushing my emotions down like i always used to around him. Maybe that's why i'm still bothered by the whole "not liking him anymore", thing? I don't know.
We'll see, I guess..
always,
Allison
However--i don't know why--i have this future fantasy that when i'm in college, i'll meet this great guy, who is funny, and sweet, and yeahhh...i feel embarrassed just writing it cause i have this whole thing in my head. Ieeven have a name. It's sort of sad, but its keeping me going, and my faith in guys for some reason, cause i believe he's out there. I even know what he'll look like. It's sort of a mix of a couple guys i know, and yeah.......
Anyways. I don't know why i felt like writing that down.
It's so amazing to me that one day you could be completely in LOVE with someone, then the next...feel nothing at all. To be so smitten, and have so much hope and desire, then for it to just drop flat so fast..it makes me wonder if i'm just pushing my emotions down like i always used to around him. Maybe that's why i'm still bothered by the whole "not liking him anymore", thing? I don't know.
We'll see, I guess..
always,
Allison
Friday, September 24, 2010
Muffled heart, left confused
Things are so different from the last time I've wrote.
For starters, Curtis has a girlfriend, and they seem pretty happy. the thing is, I don't know if it even hurts me, or I even care. Which is what confuses me. How can I be blind to liking him...then blind when i stop?
I'm so confused. I don't know what i feel anymore. I really dont'. i just want one guy that i feel like i can't control myself around, that makes me feel alive again. That I can't wait to see the next day, or can't STAND not talking to. I haven't felt that in so long, i realize. It's so weird for me. But I guess for right now, its best while I'm figuring out what I'm feeling for everyone, and if i really do still like Curtis or not.
And then theres the whole Derek probelm. Apperently he likes me again? And yeah..i don't really know about that. He's being so sweet right now--basically being a better "boyfriend" right now (though we're just friends) then when he was ACTUALLY my boyfriend--and I want to like him again. But i just....don't. I dont' feel it like i used to.
Everything is so different now.
I wanna like someone so baddd. It's killing me that i don't have someone to focus on. it's my distraction from life, and somewhere to put all my "energy"...you know? It's like...what do i have left if i don't have a guy to obsses over? My school work, friends and family. I know. But its complicated....
Anyways. Just rambling. i know I'm being kind of (ok, a lot) dramatic. But i can't help it. I'm a girl :P
always,
Allison
For starters, Curtis has a girlfriend, and they seem pretty happy. the thing is, I don't know if it even hurts me, or I even care. Which is what confuses me. How can I be blind to liking him...then blind when i stop?
I'm so confused. I don't know what i feel anymore. I really dont'. i just want one guy that i feel like i can't control myself around, that makes me feel alive again. That I can't wait to see the next day, or can't STAND not talking to. I haven't felt that in so long, i realize. It's so weird for me. But I guess for right now, its best while I'm figuring out what I'm feeling for everyone, and if i really do still like Curtis or not.
And then theres the whole Derek probelm. Apperently he likes me again? And yeah..i don't really know about that. He's being so sweet right now--basically being a better "boyfriend" right now (though we're just friends) then when he was ACTUALLY my boyfriend--and I want to like him again. But i just....don't. I dont' feel it like i used to.
Everything is so different now.
I wanna like someone so baddd. It's killing me that i don't have someone to focus on. it's my distraction from life, and somewhere to put all my "energy"...you know? It's like...what do i have left if i don't have a guy to obsses over? My school work, friends and family. I know. But its complicated....
Anyways. Just rambling. i know I'm being kind of (ok, a lot) dramatic. But i can't help it. I'm a girl :P
always,
Allison
Thursday, August 26, 2010
finally the top of the school
Yes, it's true. Finally a Senior in High School. Crazy, isn't it? How fast life has gone?
I feel like I've written in here more than i have, but i guess not cause the last time i even wrote in here was in July--which seems so long ago, cause it was summer, and i was still 16 (woo! 17 now! lol) What I'm really excited about is inkpop.com. It's this site where writers can post their stories, and i'm super elated cause i feel like i have a chance on there---maybe. I hope i'm good enough. I want to be a writer so bad. It's all i've wanted to be for so long, i'm just really scared of being rejected because of it.
Erggggg....
anyways, I don't get to see Ahem much anymore. we're so far apart now. though we weren't really that close to begin with. I plan on seeing every home game again. even if i have to pay myslef--like i did all of last year. I swear if only he knew......grrrr.alksjbl;akdjbgkl;hsdfklghajk;dfhgkljasdh <-a little frustration.
I don't really have much more right now. but i know once i log out i'll probably think of like six more things that i could've written down..
Oh! I just thought of one hahahaha Apperently now i'm randomly allergic to peanuts. A couple weeks ago i had this HORRIBLE rash and break out of hives. I was so miserable. But mom is taking me to an allergist so we can be 100% sure.....
I guess that's it for now.
always,
Allison
I feel like I've written in here more than i have, but i guess not cause the last time i even wrote in here was in July--which seems so long ago, cause it was summer, and i was still 16 (woo! 17 now! lol) What I'm really excited about is inkpop.com. It's this site where writers can post their stories, and i'm super elated cause i feel like i have a chance on there---maybe. I hope i'm good enough. I want to be a writer so bad. It's all i've wanted to be for so long, i'm just really scared of being rejected because of it.
Erggggg....
anyways, I don't get to see Ahem much anymore. we're so far apart now. though we weren't really that close to begin with. I plan on seeing every home game again. even if i have to pay myslef--like i did all of last year. I swear if only he knew......grrrr.alksjbl;akdjbgkl;hsdfklghajk;dfhgkljasdh <-a little frustration.
I don't really have much more right now. but i know once i log out i'll probably think of like six more things that i could've written down..
Oh! I just thought of one hahahaha Apperently now i'm randomly allergic to peanuts. A couple weeks ago i had this HORRIBLE rash and break out of hives. I was so miserable. But mom is taking me to an allergist so we can be 100% sure.....
I guess that's it for now.
always,
Allison
Friday, July 16, 2010
If Jealousy were a sport, I'd take the Gold
I hate being jealous so much. It hurts like crazy. I always feel my heart getting tight, and I can't seem to breath because my chest is so tight, and i feel nauseous, and uggghhh. I just hate it. I can't help it, though. He (Ahem) just makes me that way....I don't know why, but whenever i see that some girl posted something on his wall, or he became friends with some pretty girl, i get so damn jealous. It hurts a lot. And then i just spend the rest of the day grumpy, and worried, and aksjghdakdjsnfgbkandfkbnadkfnb. <--pretty much like that. I wish there was no such thing as jealousy. It's a pointless emotion, really. Along with fear. I mean, what does it really get us, anyway? I'll tell you what. It gets us further away from what we want, and where we want to be. Which is why they are both just plain crappy emotions to have. Grr...
always,
Allison
PS. what i wanted to say:
like:just about everything about you, dislike=that you're not mine (yet...hopefully...)
always,
Allison
PS. what i wanted to say:
like:just about everything about you, dislike=that you're not mine (yet...hopefully...)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Scared to seclusion
I've been thinking lately (which is never a good thing for me), and I've realized that I'm scared of a lot. And I mean, a Ridiculous amount.
I'll give some examples:
I'm scared of falling (in every way that you can come up with).
I'm scared that people will forget about me.
I'm scared to be myself (around Most people, but not all), because i think they won't like me.
I'm scared to speak my mind, because I think that people will not love me anymore/hate me.
I'm scared that if I tell Ahem (c) how I feel, he won't feel the same.
I'm scared of loosing people.
I'm scared of that fact that I love to be alone.
I'm scared that I'll wind up divorced.
I'm scared that if i wait too long to tell Ahem (c) how I feel, that someone else will "take him away" from me.
I'm scared that if I'm not perfect for everyone, things will fall apart.
I'm scared of people fighting/yelling/being mad at me, and in general.
I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of anything right now.........
always,
Allison
I'll give some examples:
I'm scared of falling (in every way that you can come up with).
I'm scared that people will forget about me.
I'm scared to be myself (around Most people, but not all), because i think they won't like me.
I'm scared to speak my mind, because I think that people will not love me anymore/hate me.
I'm scared that if I tell Ahem (c) how I feel, he won't feel the same.
I'm scared of loosing people.
I'm scared of that fact that I love to be alone.
I'm scared that I'll wind up divorced.
I'm scared that if i wait too long to tell Ahem (c) how I feel, that someone else will "take him away" from me.
I'm scared that if I'm not perfect for everyone, things will fall apart.
I'm scared of people fighting/yelling/being mad at me, and in general.
I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of anything right now.........
always,
Allison
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Bored alone equals random blurb
Sooo I'm super bored right now....I'm home by myself cause Mary Kay (la mia step mom) is really sick, so my dad took her to the emergency hospital thingie. Yeah.
I don't really know what i want to write about right now...I'm just really, really boredddd.
I don't know what to write about.
There really isn't much going on right now with me. But what do I expect, really, it is SUMMER, you know? And Saturday. If I was one of those "social" people, I'd be hanging around the mall, and chatting, and swimming, and being "free" or whatever it is that quote, unquote normal teenagers, do.
I really want to have some sudden burst of inspirtation to ramble about, but its really not coming to me.
Great.
So, if you just read this, and thought "WTF was that?" well, you are not alone. I am also wondering the same question
always,
Allison
PS. "How is it that I want to be around you, and no where near you all at the same time??" <--the saying that i came up with after I went with Sarah's family to see the Eclipse movie . Obviously, it is about C. That should've been a given ;)
I don't really know what i want to write about right now...I'm just really, really boredddd.
I don't know what to write about.
There really isn't much going on right now with me. But what do I expect, really, it is SUMMER, you know? And Saturday. If I was one of those "social" people, I'd be hanging around the mall, and chatting, and swimming, and being "free" or whatever it is that quote, unquote normal teenagers, do.
I really want to have some sudden burst of inspirtation to ramble about, but its really not coming to me.
Great.
So, if you just read this, and thought "WTF was that?" well, you are not alone. I am also wondering the same question
always,
Allison
PS. "How is it that I want to be around you, and no where near you all at the same time??" <--the saying that i came up with after I went with Sarah's family to see the Eclipse movie . Obviously, it is about C. That should've been a given ;)
Friday, July 2, 2010
oh great I'm smitten
Soooooo i saw the movie with sarah's family today...and yeah. I couldn't even sleep last night becasue i was so nervous, and i was even worse this moring. jkahglkjhgalkdfhvkjah
Anyways, so my heart was beating like freaking crazy, and i had this nervous giggle feeling, and the constant need to smile the whole damn time. And i kept blurting out random things cause i was nervous.
But the movie was good...very intense, very epic. It was nice.
Always,
Allison
PS i wish i knew what he was thinking...
Anyways, so my heart was beating like freaking crazy, and i had this nervous giggle feeling, and the constant need to smile the whole damn time. And i kept blurting out random things cause i was nervous.
But the movie was good...very intense, very epic. It was nice.
Always,
Allison
PS i wish i knew what he was thinking...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Distracted
Wow, so i almost don't even know what to write....
i guess i'll start with tomorrow im going to see Eclipse--the third in the Twilight series--with Sarah and her family. And i know you know what that means. Yeahhhh. So, i've just been really distracted ever since, cause im so damn nervous, cause the last time we went to the movies with "them"--i went with sarah's fam to see New moon, the second in the series--i was so nervous, and awkward, and i didn't know what to do...
god its going to be so freaking tough!
alkgja;efhbvlakcnb;ladhkrglknardflbnadlkbnjkl <- that is how i feel right now... just like my heart can't freaking settle!!! grrrrrr
hopefully, i'll remember to write aferwards...
always,
allison
i guess i'll start with tomorrow im going to see Eclipse--the third in the Twilight series--with Sarah and her family. And i know you know what that means. Yeahhhh. So, i've just been really distracted ever since, cause im so damn nervous, cause the last time we went to the movies with "them"--i went with sarah's fam to see New moon, the second in the series--i was so nervous, and awkward, and i didn't know what to do...
god its going to be so freaking tough!
alkgja;efhbvlakcnb;ladhkrglknardflbnadlkbnjkl <- that is how i feel right now... just like my heart can't freaking settle!!! grrrrrr
hopefully, i'll remember to write aferwards...
always,
allison
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The All Dreaded is almost here...
Well, tommorrow is Valentine's Day. The day all us single people dread forever. Sarah finally has a Valentine (which I'm happy for her), but for me, it just means that I will be forced to eat chocolate while I watch sappy chick flicks while tearing up because secretly, I wish it would happen to me...
You know what I want? I want someone (Ahem, if you know who I'm talking about) to think that I'm the sun, you know? I don't know. Like that they couldn't possibly loose me, and would do anything for me. You know? That they don't want me to change becasue then nothing would be different.
Becasue I know that's how I personally feel about someone... ;)
always,
Allison
Ps. Check out my website:
http://Love19.webs.com/apps/blog
You know what I want? I want someone (Ahem, if you know who I'm talking about) to think that I'm the sun, you know? I don't know. Like that they couldn't possibly loose me, and would do anything for me. You know? That they don't want me to change becasue then nothing would be different.
Becasue I know that's how I personally feel about someone... ;)
always,
Allison
Ps. Check out my website:
http://Love19.webs.com/apps/blog
Monday, January 18, 2010
You know what?
If I ever "go out" with CW, then, the first thing I'm gonna do is ask him, "Why do you like me?". Not as, like, a test or anything, but just to test my theory. you know?
Anyways.
Always,
Allison <3
PS. Just to let you know, yes. I still really like (love?) him.
No, the fact that he might only like me for one reason doesn't change anything. Just makes me reluctant.
Anyways.
Always,
Allison <3
PS. Just to let you know, yes. I still really like (love?) him.
No, the fact that he might only like me for one reason doesn't change anything. Just makes me reluctant.
been busy...
well, I guess, sorry, you know, for not writing in a while. I don't know what to say. I've figured out a few things about guys, though:
~they only care about "getting it", they don't really care about us girls.
~they will trick to to "get it", and make you trust them
~there are no ecseptions
trust me. I've learned this the hard way. Sure I'd LOVE To believe that Curtis is different, but who knows? Really. I mean Kevin--this guy I dated for about two days--wasn't. And I thought I could trust him. And all he wanted was...you know. And Derek? Yeah, let's not get into him tonight. Really.
But all in all, with guys. I've just given up with them. No one ever just likes ME becasue I'm ME, and they are not JUST attracted to me (physically) but who I AM as a person. And that sounds lame, but its really NOT.
They all like me cause they wanna have ... with me. And it just kills me.
anyways. I guess that's it for now.
always,
Allison
~they only care about "getting it", they don't really care about us girls.
~they will trick to to "get it", and make you trust them
~there are no ecseptions
trust me. I've learned this the hard way. Sure I'd LOVE To believe that Curtis is different, but who knows? Really. I mean Kevin--this guy I dated for about two days--wasn't. And I thought I could trust him. And all he wanted was...you know. And Derek? Yeah, let's not get into him tonight. Really.
But all in all, with guys. I've just given up with them. No one ever just likes ME becasue I'm ME, and they are not JUST attracted to me (physically) but who I AM as a person. And that sounds lame, but its really NOT.
They all like me cause they wanna have ... with me. And it just kills me.
anyways. I guess that's it for now.
always,
Allison
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